Stuck

Stuck in the crevasse
My thighs and forearms
Press out against the 
Cold hard rock

Every ounce of my energy
Pushing to hold tight in this 
In-between world

Safe, but not safe
Not bound to one side
Or another

Free to be me, 
Or am I?

Pushing to stay alive
To not fall 
Into the vortex of normalites
The filing cabinets of binaries
The archives of mediocrity

But musn’t I choose?
To be one way or another?
Walk this path or that?

My mind burns 
With the pressure
To make a decision

My thighs are sweating
Muscles searing
Skin chafing 
Against the cold hard 
Rock face of decision

The pain of living 
In the in-between

I can’t stay stuck here forever
Or can I?

Up above, the crowds jeer
Edging me on to find my edge
And make a choice
This way or that
Yes or no
Stay or go

How can I please them all?
One side of the crevasse stares at me
Pulling me towards it
I feel a moment of clarity
A moment of peace

Go there, go towards it
Make a choice
My heart slows a little
My breath calms a little

Then the other side tugs back
Don’t go there, it says
And tries to hug me tight towards it

I slip a little
My heart sinks
My grip loosens
My strength weakens
I sink down the crevasse
Sharp rocks lodging in my throat
Suffocating my breath

There is no peace in this place
Nowhere to relax or be me
I am wedged between two realities
And neither is good

Trapped between traps
Caught in a crevasse of painful indecision
Where the decision leads nowhere

Everything looks real and difficult
But everything is nothing 
In this tired dark place

I can’t hold on anymore
So I let my body go loose
Once rigid, now soft
I stop trying so hard

I stop listening to the crowds
Stop caring what they say
Or what they think
Stop feeling the sweat
Stop resisting the pain
Stop indulging the paralysis

I sink, deep down 
Into the valley of nothingness
And just breathe

The crowds go quiet
My body loses form
There’s no pain here

I stop trying to choose
Between two opposites
That want to crush me
I stop feeling the need 
To define myself by others’ standards
I stop feeling like I am lacking

And instead I Just Am
Me, in my complexity
Me, in my simplicity
Me, as everything
Me, as nothing
Me, defined by no-one
Not even myself
Free as a bird,
Just me.